Thursday, December 25, 2008

It's Christmas??

It really does not feel like Christmas.

Ok. As an adult, it rarely feels like Christmas. I don't get the same feeling I did as a little kid. It's usually more stressful, and not as exciting. But this year? my GOD. The days just blur together and today feels like any other day, viewed through the fog of profound sleep deprivation and raging hormones. Sure, we had our big Christms Eve celebration with my family last night, and went to Stephen's mom's house today (and left the camera there with all our adordable pictures of Gracie that haven't been uploaded yet which also prevented us from taking any more pictures today, SOB). We got some really cute stuff for Gracie, and some relatives got to meet her for the first time. But honestly, it is all such a blur. I worry a little bit that her first Christmas wasn't really anything special, because I worry that I'll be sad about it later. At the same time, she won't remember, and at this point, we're just getting through the days without driving off the road or forgetting to eat (which, seriously, when you're breastfeeding? I can't imagine forgetting to eat. I'm worse than I was when I was pregnant, all I want to do is eat).

Sooo, it's all okay, right? I won't regret this all being such a blur?

Of course I will. Just like I regret not enjoying pregnancy more, just like I regret not taking more pictures in the delivery room and not enjoying more of that (I mean, I did enjoy that, I had the world's greatest epidural, but it was all happening in the middle of the night and I was so overwhelmed, it's all, you got it, a blur), I will regret all of this being a blur. I also won't remember it the way it really is. I was saying to Stephen today, it's only been two and a half weeks. In our lives, that's just a blip. It only feels like an eternity because we're so overwhelmed and undersleeped and it's all so goddamn hard right now. In six months when she's more mobile and doesn't sleep as much and starts getting into everything, we'll long for the newborn days when all she did was eat, sleep, cry, and poop, and I will be all melodramatic and sentimental about my squooshy little newborn. I won't remember this the way it really is, just like I had to go back and reread all my other entries to remember how much I truly hated pregnancy. It took me just days to forget how much my back hurt and how tired I was and how I never slept then, either, except I wasn't doing anything worthwhile, I was just awake and staring at the ceiling every night.

I guess that's how kids get siblings. It must be, because there's been lots of only child talk around this house lately.

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