Friday, April 24, 2009

Dear Celebrities,


The next time your publicist tells everyone you've been hospitalized for exhaustion? I'm telling everyone the real truth, that you have cocaine poisoning or raging syphilis requiring IV antibiotics, because it turns out NOBODY needs to be hospitalized for exhaustion. (unles you're coming off a coke bender, I guess?) Because if that ever WERE a cause for hospitalization, I would've maxed out my insurance months ago.

Also, sidenote to a certain pediatrician who authored a sleep book that I previously swore by: take your book and shove it. you're a lying liar. I hate you. Your methods suck and they don't work. Or perhaps reading it while I was pregnant was the mistake, as the knowledge crossed the placenta and taught G how to resist all your methods? Perhaps that is the problem.

Sidenote to God: I really, really, REALLY don't know what made you think I could handle a child who never ever ever EVER slept, but let me clear up this misunderstanding: I cannot. I. can. not. I am so fracking tired I am going to start hallucinating. Please. Seriously. Can I get a 6am? Is THAT too much to ask?

Sidenote to ANYONE who is considering offering me advice on this topic: Don't. Really, just...don't. You mean well, but you're not going to help, and in my current state of mind, it will just piss me off. That is immature and unfair, but let's see how rational you are after four and a half months of no sleep. Really, seriously, honestly, whatever you're thinking, we've tried. The child just won't sleep.

Unless you know of a pediatrician who's willing to prescribe pediatric Amb!en. In which case, hit up my comments, yo.


Laura said...

I heart you. I'm sending you a hug. Like it or not. :)

Bobbi said...

HUGS!!!!I love the non-sleeping-baby club!

Jessica said...

No sleep sucks - and I'm sorry Gracie isn't sleeping.

Big Hugs!

Max's Mommy said...

Amen, sista!

Donna said...

Oh please, Kathy. All you have to do is, take it from me, what works is, hahaha just kidding! I did tell you about the woman I work with whose doctor prescribed downers for her baby. This was 20 something years ago, and she is a pastor's wife, so that's pretty rad. We asked our pediatrician and they said no. :o( :o) But, I would totally come over on a Saturday morning and take Grace for a few hours so you can sleep in! Seriously! Let me know when.

Kristen said...

In the midst of it all it is impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I too have come to find 3am the darkest time when you feel the most insane. I feel you sister, I feel your pain.


Casey said...

Sending you big hugs and lots of caffeine that will keep you awake but not the little osmosis reader.