Sunday, June 7, 2009

Half a Year Ago Today...

It was also a sunday. It was also cold (but, um, a LOT colder). And I went to Old Orchard, in hopes of inducing SOMETHING. I was sick of being pregnant, but more than anything else, oh my GOD I could not go back to work the next day. I still think it was a coincidence that I went into labor that night, but whatever, it happened, either way!

I can't believe it's been half a year since Gracie was born. I mean, I CAN- those first months were the longest and hardest of my life. It just didn't matter what we did, she screamed all the time and she never slept. I don't really have very many vivid memories from that time, except that I constantly had two things in my head- that crappy Billy Joel song (oh wait, it's not crappy, it's me who's crappy! haha!) and a line from a Robert Frost poem about colic and paregoric (...Prevacid would have to do for us, sadly). I remember chanting over and over to myself, "This, too, shall pass." I remember feeling envious and resentful of people with easier babies. I remember feeling HORRIBLY guilty for wishing my baby were different, for not being happy with the gorgeous, healthy baby girl I finally had after wanting her for so long- how much did I want?!?! Scared, exhausted, inadequate, all of that.

People kept saying "it gets better". That was totally meaningless. I knew our lives were never going to be the same again, so hearing it would get better was just too...nebulous.

Now, though, it is so different. She smiles and plays and rolls around and reaches for things and has such obvious desires and intentions. She's so, so fun. (well. not today. Today she was a giant dupa, but we're all entitled to those days once in awhile.) She could stay this age forever and I'd be just fine with that.

You know how some quotes just keep recurring in your life, or work really well in different situations? Like the geometry proof or rule or whatever, about a square being a rectangle but not all rectangles being squares? Remember the episode of Friends when Rachel tries to take up smoking to get in good with her boss? And she's complaining about how hideous and disgusting it is, and Chandler tells her, "I know. But hang in there, because it is about to get SOOOOO good." I've used that quote a lot with people. Usually when I'm talking about running. I think if I were to talk to someone with a colicky newborn, someone as overwhelmed and tired and frsutrated and just totally defeated as I was, that is what I'd tell them. That I know it's awful, it's exhausting and scary and frustrating and just generally wretched. But hang in there. It is about to get so good.


4 comments:

Max's Mommy said...

Happy 1/2 Birthday G!!!

Jill said...

I can't wait to finally meet her next month!!!

Bobbi said...

Happy 6 mo Gracie!

Rae said...

The backyard pics are great!