Friday, October 23, 2009

Here, breathe into this paper bag

In six short weeks, my baby will be a full year old.

I will not have a baby anymore. I will have a toddler. Well, I mean, I'm not sure she'll be walking, which makes the title seem wrong somehow, but she'll definitely be cruising, and anyway, the other day I didn't have to carry her into the kitchen because she crawled there herself and also besides that YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I am not sure how this happened.

Yesterday, Stephen and I were watching her sleep on our spy-cam, and he asked if my dad had fed her some mysterious potion that made her grow a foot in one day. Because, seriously, she's a big kid now. I looked through all our old pictures, trying to see if I could tell when it happened. Even looking at all of them in one fell swoop, I can't tell you. It's not like one day she was a baby and the next day she wasn't, but you look at the beginning, and you see a baby, and you look at her now, and you don't exactly see a big kid, but she's definitely not a baby.

It's more than just the milestone of being a year old, though. For all our drama in the beginning, we have settled into such a sweet, perfect little nursing routine. I am not nursing her past a year. There are many different reasons for this, some good and some dubious, but the bottom line is, this is the right decision for us. In spite of that, the other day I realized that I had just six short weeks left in this relationship, and my hands went clammy. It makes me so sad to think of that being gone forever. Also, in true Gracie fashion, she's become quite the fan of this activity herself, just in time for us to be getting ready to quit. I'm not sure what I'm more anxious about, how much I'll miss it, or how she'll react. There's also the minor fact that she refuses to sleep past 4:30 in the morning, but I can at least get her to hang out in bed with me for awhile if she's nursing. When that's gone, I am good and hosed.

I'm trying to just stay in the moment. It would be typical of me to spend the next six weeks freaking out over her first birthday, and then wonder just what the heck happened during those six weeks, when I was busy obsessing over what was coming. I'm also reminding myself how looong her first six weeks were, but then, if the next weeks weeks are that hard, then we've got bigger problems.

Just gonna do my best to enjoy the ride.


Max's Mommy said...

LOVE that picture.

Jill said...

that picture of her standing in the freezer. that's when she got big.

Crabby Apple Seed: said...

excellent point, cousin.

...though she might've gotten big when I decided I wanted to get the camera before I pulled her OUT of the freezer.

Mother of the Year!!!!!