Friday, January 29, 2010

All By Myseelllllffff

Today I was alone in our house for the first time since Gracie was born. I guess if you want to get technical about it, the first time I was ever alone, since I was hugely pregnant with her when we moved in.

It was...weird. I was sort of excited to be able to run on the treadmill, clean the house, and not have to worry the noise from the tready would bother her while she slept, or she'd figure out a way to swallow arsenic while I was wiping down her floorboards. But when Stephen and his mom walked out the door with her, I had a moment of panic. It took everything in me not to squeal, "Ugh, wait wait wait, let me go get dressed, I'm going with you guys!"

Watching her leave is always the hardest part. It's like that when I go to work, too.

After that, it was oddly fine. Just...fine. I didn't slide into the front hallway in my underwear singing a played-out Bob Seger song, but I didn't weep and gnash my teeth by the window, either.

It might even be time to spend the night away from her...

(hellnoiamnotready.)

Friday, January 15, 2010

How I Complete Recertification

Read article and answer question

Check email

Skim totally boring article for answer to question

Check facebook

use antibacterial hand gel even though I am sitting in my office and there are no patients here

Check email

Curse asshole friends for not emailing me and giving me a reason to not work on recertification

Ooh! Blog! I can update my blog!

Feel intense self-irritation for typing most boring blog post ever

Go back to stupid stupid boring dumb recertification test.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

One of Those Days

Even though Grace was an exceptionally tough newborn, I know the reality is that having a brand-new baby isn't easy for anyone. It's exhausting and overwhelming with very little reward. They don't smile or nuzzle or make fun noises, really, there's just screaming and not-screaming. And obviously it gets better, so, so, so much better, but every once in awhile, you have one of those really hideous days. And it almost sucks more than when you're waking up every two hours and the baby only stops screaming if you walk in circles around the dining room table while wearing your orange t shirt (ONLY the orange t shirt) and holding her facing out. Because, the thing is, when you have to wear a groove in the floorboards every damn night to keep the baby from crying, you just get used to everything sucking. You take joy in the little things (showering, eating food, etc). Then, life starts to get better and you look back and think, "Daayummn, that sucked. So glad THAT is over."

But it's never over. And some days just suck. Sometimes, babies decide they don't need to sleep at night OR nap. Sometimes, they decide they don't want anything to do with you. Sometimes, that happens on the same day that you kind of just don't feel very good to begin with.

Today was a not-very-fun day. And I know it's stupid to complain, there was nothing exceptionally bad or difficult or anything like that. It just...I don't know. It's just one of those things, I think. For me, it can be totally overwhelming, until I just stop and say, ok. Today sucks. It's not the end of the universe, it's just a sucky day.

(fer the love of god, can tomorrow be less frustrating?! criminy.)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Mommy Wars

As I was walking out of work last night, I caught a glimpse of Grace's birthday picture, stuck inside my ID case. I looked at her pudgy little cheeks and thought, I'm so proud we made it a whole year with breastfeeding.

...and then I instantly felt like I had to qualify that. To myself?! Yeah, I know. Anyway. Because breastfeeding is up there with vaccines, cosleeping, and circumcision in the world of mommy wars. When we want to be hard on each other, we chooses any of these topics to judge each other, look down on other people's decisions, and assure ourselves that our way is best and anyone who disagrees is wrong. And, gasp, maybe they don't even CARE!!!

It's not okay. We have to stop being so shitty to each other. And the thing is, I think we all know that. But we're all so insecure about what we're doing, and looking for validation that we're doing the right thing, and sometimes the way we do that is by looking down on other people's decisions. Other times, we've decided something after careful thought and research, and our choice seems like the ONLY choice. And sometimes we're just being assholes.

So I instantly feel guilty for being proud of something like nursing for a year, because it feels like I'm looking down on all the other moms who chose differently. And I'm really not. I mean, when I feel proud about having run a marathon, I'm not looking down on everyone who didn't, and nobody would think that for a second. Nobody would say, "Yeah, well you know, I tried really hard to run a marathon and I coudln't," or "You know there are other valid choices besides running a marathon. Walking a 5k isn't rat poison." (Ok, that analogy doesn't play out as well, heh.) So why do I have to qualify this? Is it something so totally unique and personal about motherhood that makes us all feel so defensive of our choices?

I am proud that I nursed Grace for a year. It was a lot of hard work, teaching her how to latch on, coaxing her back when she went on strike, pumping for what felt like hours at a time, carrying around extra weight for a whole year so I wouldn't risk my supply, and on and on. And I can be proud of that without judging anyone else, without thinking they made the wrong choice or judging them. But it doesn't really feel like it...

I don't have anything profound to say here, obviously, just something that's been rattling in my brain since yesterday.