Screw you, bills that need to be paid. Screw you forever.
There should be a word that describes how something can feel like it was ten million years ago, and just yesterday, all at the same time. I think back to being rudely awakened by painful contractions at 4:something in the morning, three months ago, and it seems like a year ago. And at the same time, Katie MUST be just a few weeks old. I have not been home for three months.
I hoped that, since I had so much practice leaving Grace three days a week, it would be easier this time. I was...really, really wrong. I mean, no. Well. It's not easier, it's less hard. For about a week before I went back to work after Grace was born, I would rock her to sleep and weep into her hair and whisper that I wasn't leaving her forever. There have been no such theatrics this time around, but the stress is different. I don't want to leave Katie, who is still so tiny and helpless, and also just way too small to be away from me that long, in my opinion, just like with Grace, but on top of that, Gracie has gotten used to me being home every day. We have a routine, too. Morning errands and playing, post-nap popcorn, tubby every night (and she grabs my pump from the hallway every night, chucks in the bathroom, and says, "mama make baby nokies!!!") It's all stuff we've done every day, and even though yes, I really loved it, I know she did, too, and it's stressful to think about disrupting that routine.
It'll be fine. We'll all survive.
But I don't have to like it.