Monday, December 31, 2012

With a bang AND a whimper

Katie is miserably sick with a cold, alternating between fitfully dozing and screaming her lungs out, and it is looking to be a very, very long last night of 2012.  Which, for the record, is the herpetic sore on the story of my life.

Because I am facebook friends with various relatives and older, dignified people, I could not give 2012 the full sign off there that I wanted to, so without further ado, let me just say here:





in the ear.

with a rusty tent pole.

I will not miss you. I will not pine for you.  You are the worst, stupidest year ever.

The End.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Suck it, Dummy.

I went back to the doctor today (who shall henceforth be known as Dr. Stupidhead.)  I *thought* my appointment was with my regular doctor, but when I got there, nope, Dr. Stupidhead.  Sigh.  FINE. 

I took my seat in the waiting room, and I waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.  And after an hour and fifteen minutes, went to a room, where the medical assistant told me there were two people in front of me and one of them was a new OB visit.  AWESOME.

So I waited and waited and waited some more.  And contemplated leaving.  But I stayed, because I actually had questions for change (more on that in a minute.)  And two hours after my scheduled appointment time, my REAL doctor walked in the room.  Turns out she had a break between deliveries and heard they were massively backlogged and came over to help.  This was extra-awesome because I know that a doctor who is two hours behind is not going to actually LISTEN to what I have to say, she's going to spend the appointment stressing about how far behind she is.  So: yes, awesome.

But before I could even get to my questions?  She pronounced my weight gain, and I quote, "Perfect."  It took all my self-control not to be like, "I KNOW, RIGHT????" 

Suck it, Dr. Stupidhead.

Anyway, my questions today: just this morning I had my second classic migraine (aka migraine with aura) of this pregnancy.  I used to get them when I first started getting my period, and then I got them allll the time, with super-bad visual auras, but prior to Stosh, it had been close to twenty years since I had one.  I had a visual aura a month or so ago, right before bed, but I went to sleep and woke up feeling fine so I didn't think too much about it.  This morning, I had a mild headache and felt really thirsty, but nothing out of the ordinary until suddenly I couldn't see.  And the harder I tried to see anything, the less I could see it.  Like right after you look at a bright light, except I hadn't.  So I chugged a bunch of water, took two extra-strength Tylenol, and when in the office and closed my eyes, at which point I could clearly see a whole laser light show- red, blue, yellow flickering snake-light string of lights.  After about half an hour, it seemed to mostly go away.  I felt off for the rest of the day- really exhuasted, like after you puke a lot? (Sorry, gross, I know.)  Like that.  Not as bad as the migraines I used to get, but pretty bad.  My doctor said my blood pressure was perfect and there's no protein in my urine, so no worries.  Perfect.

My other question was about the super intense braxton-hicks contractions I had last week, which I thought were probably illness/dehydration-related, but a few of them were really breath-taking, so I was a little nervous.  She wanted to do a quick cervical check, which was completely perfect and therefore totally reassuring. 

So.  Even though it was light when I got there and dark when I left, it was a good appointment.  And Dr. Stupidhead is a big dumb smelly stupidhead.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

32 weeks and change: come see my immensity

I had a doctor's appointment at 31 weeks and was horrified to learn I had surpassed my TOTAL weight gain with both girls by five pounds.  With nine weeks left to go.  Which?  Is still not a terrible total, truly, but knowing how I carried every last ounce of Katie-gain until I weaned her, and how truly irritating that was, I was seriously annoyed.  When the doctor (who is not my regular doc, just one of the docs in the practice) came in, I jokingly said I wanted her to tell me the baby is YOOGE, and that is why I am gaining so much weight.  She said he is probably not (without even looking at me) and that I probably need to eat fewer carbs.  Then she measured and found me measuring about 32 weeks and said, nope, you need to exercise more, eat fewer carbs, and stop eating when you're full.


B) we'll just pretend that Katie measuring one single week behind wasn't a cause for multiple growth ultrasounds and say that measuring a week ahead doesn't mean he's on the beefy side.

C) SERIOUSLY, BITCH?  Do you SEE my total weight?  Because it is actually still within healthy BMI range for NON-PREGNANT women of my height.  So suck it.

And I also realized that I started out this pregnancy significantly skinnier than I started the other two, so even though I will still end up much higher than I did with the girls, it is not QUITE the cause for annoyance I originally thought.  Because, thanks to the massive stress around G's seizures and general overall health, I started out this pregnancy with a BMI of about 19 (yes, I actually went back and calculated it when I realized I was pissed off by her comments).  Stress will do that to a person (sidenote: anyone who has ever been told to just relax and you will get pregnant, please do feel free to use me as an example as to why they should go piss up a rope.  Really.) 

So annoyed.

I have also been fighting the cold that ate Cleveland for the last two weeks, so it's really been fun times up in here.  It started as this godawful spasmodic cough that kept me up all hours of hte day and night and eventually migrated to my head, where it has robbed me of all sense of smell and therefore taste for the last week, and it does not appear as though it will return in time for Christmas eve dinner tomorrow, so I gotta tell ya, I'm not the most pleasant company these days.

I probably need more brownies.

Anyway.  This is what I look like right now.  I am enormous, there is no denying that.  But try to tell me that's not a big baby.  JUST TRY I DARE YOU.


It's the first picture where I remember Katie finally passing up Gracie's bump.  I definitely pass up both with Stosh, though.  BOYS.

Sunday, December 9, 2012


Four years ago today, it was gray and sleety and hideous outside, and I stared out the window and thought, I cannot believe I am going to take this baby home today.  Have I lost my damn mind?

We could have stayed another night.  We hadn't slept in days, we were having some significant breastfeeding challenges (to say the least, ugh), and I. was. freaking out.  But?  The nurses we'd had weren't exactly helping with any of that, so it seemed to make just as much sense to go home as it did to stay.

Today, it is gray and cold and rainy (but not quite sleety!) and the house is full of toys and stickers and tiny Barbie shoes and cardboard and plastic and packaging and two extremely exhausted children.

I will take today over four years ago every single time.

There's so much I could say about the past year here, but you know, it really sucked and was filled with so much worry, ranging from neurotic anxiety to balls-out terror, that I'm really ready to just leave it where it is and look forward to this year, and let Gracie do the talking. This is stolen from Pinterest and my friend Jess.

Twenty Questions for Gracie on her fourth birthday:

What is your favorite color?   purple
2. What is your favorite toy?   LaLaLoopsy singing doll
3. What is your favorite fruit?   grapes
4. What is your favorite tv show?   Spongebob
5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch?   macaroni and cheese        
6. What is your favorite outfit?   Pajamas! (said with gusto. Mama’s girl.)
7. What is your favorite game?   Tag you’re it get me (commonly known as Tag)
8. What is your favorite snack?   fruit
9. What is your favorite animal?   tigers
10. What is your favorite song?   ABC
11. What is your favorite book?   Magazines (Hilights High Five. Again:mama’s girl)
12. Who is your best friend?   Lucy
13. What is your favorite cereal?   Honey Cheerios (honey nut cheerios)
14. What is your favorite thing to do outside?   Play on the slide
15. What is your favorite drink?   Apple juice
16. What is your favorite holiday?   My birthday (heh)
17. What do you like to take to bed with you at night?   Daddy and mommy
18. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?   cereal
19. What do you want for dinner on your birthday?   pizza
20. What do you want to be when you grow up?   A nurse

Happy birthday, Gracie.  I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.