She was a fanfuckingtastic sleeper.
I have learned this now that I have a second child, who goes to bed even later than Gracie, takes even shorter, crappier naps, and for the past two days, has woken at 3:45am.
I am so exhausted and frustrated and pissed off that I got two crappy sleepers, and you know what's not helping? The smug people who are SO SURE my kids could sleep, if only I would do it their way because I'm just doing it WRONG.
And look, I get it. We all get smug about stupid parenting shit because here's the thing: when our kids do something well, whether it's eat their vegetables, sit quietly in church, or sleep like a normal goddamn earthling, they do so because we've worked really hard at it. We want credit for that, because it took thought and patience and consistency and it was not fun but darnit, we did it and we got good results. But here's the other thing: sometimes? You do all that hateful thinking and patience and consistency and the kid still refuses to eat anything other than corn, screams through mass, or wakes up at THREE FORTY MUTHALOVING FIVE IN THE AM.
Nobody can make Katie sleep. Just trust me on this one. And consider this your warning, the next time you roll your eyes and say I just need to make her cry for FOUR hours every night for a month, I am not going to be nice about it. I'm going to remind you that your kid eats nothing but bologna and grapes and hasn't had a drop of milk since you took his bottles away. Don't make me be that asshole.
"The thing is, Katie, even *I* think you might be taking this no-sleeping thing a bit too far."