Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Anxiety Level...Rising

In five weeks, Katie will be a year old.  Of course, I am shocked- SHOCKED, I tell you- by this development.  But I am also planning furiously, because this means I need to figure out The Great Wean.

Here's the thing: Katie is actually working herself in that direction anyway.  She has gotten a lot wilder while she's nursing, popping on and off, digging her nails in, pulling, twisting, and acting generally agitated.  I've been putting her to bed wide awake with good results on a pretty consistent basis for a little over a week, which is huge.  She still STRONGLY needs The Bewb for her afternoon nap, but aside from that, she's become quite independent from it.  This is totally, absolutely the right time for me, too.  I am really ready to dress myself each day in clothes that are comfortable and look nice, rather than clothes that offer ready access to my sprout (EDITED: ha ha ha, that should say access FOR my sprout.  the way I wrote it sounds like a really gross euphemism for my chestal region, and EW.  No.)    I am sick to DEATH of pumping.  I am so ready to be done.

So if all of that is true, why do I get a sick knot in my stomach each time I think of it?

Weaning Grace was a really, really unpleasant experience.  I did it way too quickly, and the way my hormones bottomed out was so, so ugly.  Again, for the eight millionth time, I had no idea, though I should have guessed, that the hormones would be so brutal.  It was like being postpartum all over again.  I know now that I cannot expect to wean Katie as quickly as I weaned Gracie- or, I guess, I CAN, but it's a really stupid idea.  I ALSO know that, once the whole process was complete, I was so happy and relieved.  The first time I went to work sans pump, I practically skipped to the car.  I stopped stressing so profoundly about every second that I was away from her.  It was like a switch flipped, and I went from "ohhhh nooooes, what shall I DOOOO about Teh Weeeeaning??" to "YES.  AWESOME."  But nonetheless, anxiety was the main hormonal side effect of my Supah Fast Rapid Wean, so the mini-anxiety I get when I think about the process is probably related.

I also stress quite a bit about how I will handle afternoon naps- as I may or may  not have confessed, Katie frequently spends the second half of her afternoon nap, wrapped in my arms, nursing herself in and out of sleep.  I know.  I KNOW!!!  But people, I am so frigging tired.  And she sleeps that way, at the same time her sister sleeps.  How can I refuse that?  I'm not made of steel, I'M A REAL LIVE GIRL.  I'ma needa figure this out.  I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do.  Besides die of exhaustion and/or fatigue-induced stupidity.

Five weeks.  I have five weeks to figure this out.

3 comments:

rebekah said...

we moved at the same time as my girl weaned. Horrible. I've never really been depressed before, but that was AWFUL.

Max's Mommy said...

What does your MIL do when she has her?

Crabby Apple Seed: said...

Heather, MIL gives her a bottle to get her to sleep, but she doesn't stay asleep for long. I think sometimes she can get her back to sleep on her chest, but K won't do that with me unless she's on the boob- too close to the promised land.